Fictional Happiness

For the past few days I’ve been pretty zoned out in the sense that I’ve basically been living up inside my head. Well, I do live there most of the time, but this has been different; it’s been… better.

Inside my head is a beautiful magical place, and I don’t mean the rainbows and fairies sort of magical, I mean the me being happy kind. Yep, I’ve been quite happy; happier than ever, actually, just me and my colorful mind. But that’s not why I’m writing about this. I’m a bit worried, quite frankly. I mean, as much as I’m happy being happy, I can’t just separate myself from the real world. I wish I could, but I can’t.

I have a lot to deal with at the moment: assignment deadlines, exams, family issues, personal issues, just to name a few, and I would want more than anything to walk away from all this and go somewhere warm and quiet, full of life yet calm and tranquil. But at the end of the day I’m struck by reality and forced to come back down to where all my problems are lined up in front of my door, in order of importance, waiting to be dealt with and hopefully resolved.

But I’m tired, God, I swear that I am drained and confused. I’m not sure I’m doing the right things and I need some sort of guidance; it’s all too overwhelming.

Speaking of that little world of mine, I’ve also wished I could take someone up there with me. Music is my elevator. That’s how I transport myself to and from my utopia, but I don’t think I can use that with someone else. I want to be able to have someone see what I see and feel what I feel. Just one person special enough to share this happiness with. I have this playlist with songs that make me really, really calm and happy. I just… sort of feel at peace with the world when the music is playing. I don’t know what it reminds me of, but it does remind me of something. I’ve also speculated it could be the weather. Sunshine and warmth in general uplift me, and with the daylight savings thing we now have an extra hour of daylight, so more happy time and prettier sunsets with the sky being clear and the weather warm enough to get outside and watch. It’s probable that it’s all these things together, and I’m not complaining, I’m just a bit worried I might drift off for too long because I do enjoy it.

I guess I’ll figure it out soon enough; until then, be (realistically) happy, don’t run away from your problems, decide carefully, and keep blogging.

Dreary Days

Today was not my day. Having endured a fifteen-hour headache yesterday and spent the night desperately trying to fall asleep, I woke up feeling hungover, ran late, and felt awful.

The day went by very slowly and everything was boring, not to mention the weather sucked.

It was quite apparent that things weren’t going very well for me as I got asked if I were okay several times, which frankly gave me little sparks of comfort knowing someone took away a fraction of a second of their time to pose that question. You can tell when someone asks that just for the sake of filling the awkward silence and when they’re doing it out of genuine concern. To one you answer with a smile and a nod and to the other, well, here’s the thing: how do you explain to someone what you yourself do not know? How do you convince someone that you really don’t know why you feel like crap? It’s not that I’m completely oblivious to the reason. It’s more like I can’t really put it to words; I just feel it. And I know this is supposed to be where I write what I cannot say, but what if I can’t do that either? What’s left to do? This had me questioning my own logic as to how I expect people to understand me when I fail to understand myself, but then again it does happen in rare cases when it’s someone who’s used to your self-destructive attitude. They might not get it fully, but they just might be able to explain it a little better than you can. I long for a time when I stumble upon someone who reads me like one of his favourite books, knowing the meaning behind all of my gestures and utterances. But I wonder if that could be… Some of what I say or convey in actions tends to hold a purely subjective meaning, and I sometimes forget that and wonder how people could possibly be so dim-witted. I just might owe them an apology. I’m drained, and I need my time to recharge, which, quite frankly, I’m a bit afraid of taking. I scare me sometimes; that is, I take myself for rides on the mood swing and come back more confused than ever. I need to think but must not overthink, which sounds funny coming from me.

Until next time, try to keep yourself busy, appreciate those who care, practice fake-smiling (an important life hack), and keep blogging.

A Stream of Thought

23/12/2016

On a day well spent in the comfort of her own home she ponders her current situation. Following the unprecedented chain of events which occurred that past week, and despite having spent sleepless nights putting together the pieces of her then scattered self, she still saw it necessary to spend a few more hours over-analyzing what she’d come up with, which isn’t anything out of the ordinary, really. As her mind wandered off, she felt the world spin and her limbs go numb; that was a first. After much panic and confusion, she concluded that this was exactly where she was meant to be, and that no other situation could have gone better. Nonetheless, she was never fully convinced. For some reason it felt as though something could be altered in her favor, unbeknownst to her that everything already was.

21/2/2017

A smile forms on her face as she reads through her own words. Funny how her gut always seems to be right. The thing is, it all was in her favor, right from the start. Those feelings of doubt and confusion were nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, she even speculated that they were her mind’s own defense mechanism against the destructive consequences of hopefulness, which in a sense compelled her to embrace this particular aspect of her personality. Looking back at what had been going on, she can’t help but be thankful both to the fact that it’s over and that it happened in the first place. It was an opportunity for her to raise a few serious questions about who she was and what she wanted. And although she could not come up with conclusive answers to those questions, she did get a glimpse of them, as if someone blew some steam onto a glass window and scribbled them in lousy handwriting. Things sort of become a bit clearer every day, and in the middle of it all she keeps in mind that she’s got herself to trust, no matter how cluttered she may be.

An Odd Twist

Last time I posted here things were awful in every sense. I was at an all-time low, and nothing seemed to work out. It wasn’t the normal case where things get a little messed up and I get pissed off; it was a manic mess, and so was I. During that time I cut out all connections with people around me because frankly, they weren’t really helping make anything any better, nor were they even trying. I made use of that time for more in-depth introspection and decided there were a few things about myself that I seriously needed to adjust, and I can honestly say that I tried and am in the middle of experimenting with these adjustments.

Fortunately and thankfully, things started to turn around after New Year’s. A lot of the issues that had been going on previously slowly began to resolve, I was beginning to feel more like myself, and thus felt comfortable enough to reconnect with humans. I also got the grades I was hoping for but never thought I’d get and was presented with the opportunity I was planning on going for. At that point things were happening so quickly that I couldn’t quite wrap my head around what’s going on. Some things I just couldn’t accept were actually happening although I was immensely thankful. I was overwhelmed with both gratitude and denial, and it felt like nothing I’d experienced before. A part of me was in charge of keeping the emotional guards up through this entire transitory phase, quietly anticipating bad news. I still have my hopes under control lest I get knocked back down anytime soon.

I do have to say I’m generally, mostly, thankfully content and doing well, both emotionally and socially. Yep, you read that right, I have been relatively socially active. It’s actually not that bad an idea as long as you make calculated moves regarding who you choose to practice socialising with and where you do it. It’s mostly been in classes with, well, classmates of mine. It’s quite fun in general as long as I get to have my alone time shortly after.

I write this as I try not to overthink the awful work I have to do for the next couple of weeks as well as try to convince myself that after spending literally all day studying, I do know all the material for tomorrow’s exam, and that I do NOT  need to go over them just one last time. I drive myself crazy sometimes, I swear.

Until next time, keep in mind that somehow, it really does get better—there’s no telling how long it’ll take, but it will happen. Take care of yourself in every way, keep your priorities sorted out, take some time to breathe, and keep blogging.

 

Null

In short, I’m  too drained, disgusted, angry, miserable, you name it, to write anything although I want to put something out here. I thought this song would cut it as it very much summarizes my current mental state.

I have nothing (of what I would normally write) to write here, so just keep blogging.

Blur

I’m back. For some reason I felt like I had to come here and let something out. Unsure of what to say, I’m willing to write something anyway, although, again, I have no idea what I’ll end up writing. Here goes nothing.

Honestly the past few weeks have gone fairly well. I’m … stable— in general. Some days I get random waves of sadness; feelings of worthlessness and misery, and I feel like all I want is someone to tell me that they truly understand what I’m going through without having to give me the “it’ll be okay” bullshit. I do have friends whom I trust to tell me so, but I just cannot allow myself to complain to them whenever this hits me. I can’t handle being a burden. It kills me.

Another thing that bothers me about myself is the fact that I’m such a paradox. I’d want so desperately to go up to someone and start a conversation with them but at the same time I’d be talking myself out of it, somewhat convinced that I’m better off where I am, although we all know I’m not.

I don’t know. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how to make something better out of myself. I don’t know what to do next. And I’ve never been more afraid of myself.

This is all I can manage to write at the moment. I won’t even bother proofread, so please excuse any mistakes or vagueness. I do feel slightly  better now that I’ve written this down. I guess I’ll just call this a night.

Until next time, don’t be me. Yes, this is the best advice I could come up with right now. Keep blogging and have a good day/ night.

Update

I felt I had to update you on my whereabouts, so here it goes.

I’m two months into university, the faceless entity I’d feared for a while before I got the chance to experience what it’s really like to be a university student, and it’s not as scary as I thought. Quite frankly, it’s not scary at all. I like it; highschool was hell for me, so I’m really enjoying this. Sure, it’s more demanding, and I have to work harder and be more responsible, but it’s all worth it. At least I know I chose this. I’ve (fairly) made some new friends who are good people. I still struggle a bit to initiate conversations and approach people myself, but this is progress for me, so I’m happy. Hmm, what else? I honestly don’t know what else to say. I just wrote this off the top of my head. I’ll make sure to update if I come up with something to add. Oh well…

Until next time, work hard, push yourself out of your comfort zone, try to stay happy, and keep blogging.