Today was not my day. Having endured a fifteen-hour headache yesterday and spent the night desperately trying to fall asleep, I woke up feeling hungover, ran late, and felt awful.
The day went by very slowly and everything was boring, not to mention the weather sucked.
It was quite apparent that things weren’t going very well for me as I got asked if I were okay several times, which frankly gave me little sparks of comfort knowing someone took away a fraction of a second of their time to pose that question. You can tell when someone asks that just for the sake of filling the awkward silence and when they’re doing it out of genuine concern. To one you answer with a smile and a nod and to the other, well, here’s the thing: how do you explain to someone what you yourself do not know? How do you convince someone that you really don’t know why you feel like crap? It’s not that I’m completely oblivious to the reason. It’s more like I can’t really put it to words; I just feel it. And I know this is supposed to be where I write what I cannot say, but what if I can’t do that either? What’s left to do? This had me questioning my own logic as to how I expect people to understand me when I fail to understand myself, but then again it does happen in rare cases when it’s someone who’s used to your self-destructive attitude. They might not get it fully, but they just might be able to explain it a little better than you can. I long for a time when I stumble upon someone who reads me like one of his favourite books, knowing the meaning behind all of my gestures and utterances. But I wonder if that could be… Some of what I say or convey in actions tends to hold a purely subjective meaning, and I sometimes forget that and wonder how people could possibly be so dim-witted. I just might owe them an apology. I’m drained, and I need my time to recharge, which, quite frankly, I’m a bit afraid of taking. I scare me sometimes; that is, I take myself for rides on the mood swing and come back more confused than ever. I need to think but must not overthink, which sounds funny coming from me.
Until next time, try to keep yourself busy, appreciate those who care, practice fake-smiling (an important life hack), and keep blogging.