Dreary Days

Today was not my day. Having endured a fifteen-hour headache yesterday and spent the night desperately trying to fall asleep, I woke up feeling hungover, ran late, and felt awful.

The day went by very slowly and everything was boring, not to mention the weather sucked.

It was quite apparent that things weren’t going very well for me as I got asked if I were okay several times, which frankly gave me little sparks of comfort knowing someone took away a fraction of a second of their time to pose that question. You can tell when someone asks that just for the sake of filling the awkward silence and when they’re doing it out of genuine concern. To one you answer with a smile and a nod and to the other, well, here’s the thing: how do you explain to someone what you yourself do not know? How do you convince someone that you really don’t know why you feel like crap? It’s not that I’m completely oblivious to the reason. It’s more like I can’t really put it to words; I just feel it. And I know this is supposed to be where I write what I cannot say, but what if I can’t do that either? What’s left to do? This had me questioning my own logic as to how I expect people to understand me when I fail to understand myself, but then again it does happen in rare cases when it’s someone who’s used to your self-destructive attitude. They might not get it fully, but they just might be able to explain it a little better than you can. I long for a time when I stumble upon someone who reads me like one of his favourite books, knowing the meaning behind all of my gestures and utterances. But I wonder if that could be… Some of what I say or convey in actions tends to hold a purely subjective meaning, and I sometimes forget that and wonder how people could possibly be so dim-witted. I just might owe them an apology. I’m drained, and I need my time to recharge, which, quite frankly, I’m a bit afraid of taking. I scare me sometimes; that is, I take myself for rides on the mood swing and come back more confused than ever. I need to think but must not overthink, which sounds funny coming from me.

Until next time, try to keep yourself busy, appreciate those who care, practice fake-smiling (an important life hack), and keep blogging.

A Stream of Thought

23/12/2016

On a day well spent in the comfort of her own home she ponders her current situation. Following the unprecedented chain of events which occurred that past week, and despite having spent sleepless nights putting together the pieces of her then scattered self, she still saw it necessary to spend a few more hours over-analyzing what she’d come up with, which isn’t anything out of the ordinary, really. As her mind wandered off, she felt the world spin and her limbs go numb; that was a first. After much panic and confusion, she concluded that this was exactly where she was meant to be, and that no other situation could have gone better. Nonetheless, she was never fully convinced. For some reason it felt as though something could be altered in her favor, unbeknownst to her that everything already was.

21/2/2017

A smile forms on her face as she reads through her own words. Funny how her gut always seems to be right. The thing is, it all was in her favor, right from the start. Those feelings of doubt and confusion were nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, she even speculated that they were her mind’s own defense mechanism against the destructive consequences of hopefulness, which in a sense compelled her to embrace this particular aspect of her personality. Looking back at what had been going on, she can’t help but be thankful both to the fact that it’s over and that it happened in the first place. It was an opportunity for her to raise a few serious questions about who she was and what she wanted. And although she could not come up with conclusive answers to those questions, she did get a glimpse of them, as if someone blew some steam onto a glass window and scribbled them in lousy handwriting. Things sort of become a bit clearer every day, and in the middle of it all she keeps in mind that she’s got herself to trust, no matter how cluttered she may be.

An Odd Twist

Last time I posted here things were awful in every sense. I was at an all-time low, and nothing seemed to work out. It wasn’t the normal case where things get a little messed up and I get pissed off; it was a manic mess, and so was I. During that time I cut out all connections with people around me because frankly, they weren’t really helping make anything any better, nor were they even trying. I made use of that time for more in-depth introspection and decided there were a few things about myself that I seriously needed to adjust, and I can honestly say that I tried and am in the middle of experimenting with these adjustments.

Fortunately and thankfully, things started to turn around after New Year’s. A lot of the issues that had been going on previously slowly began to resolve, I was beginning to feel more like myself, and thus felt comfortable enough to reconnect with humans. I also got the grades I was hoping for but never thought I’d get and was presented with the opportunity I was planning on going for. At that point things were happening so quickly that I couldn’t quite wrap my head around what’s going on. Some things I just couldn’t accept were actually happening although I was immensely thankful. I was overwhelmed with both gratitude and denial, and it felt like nothing I’d experienced before. A part of me was in charge of keeping the emotional guards up through this entire transitory phase, quietly anticipating bad news. I still have my hopes under control lest I get knocked back down anytime soon.

I do have to say I’m generally, mostly, thankfully content and doing well, both emotionally and socially. Yep, you read that right, I have been relatively socially active. It’s actually not that bad an idea as long as you make calculated moves regarding who you choose to practice socialising with and where you do it. It’s mostly been in classes with, well, classmates of mine. It’s quite fun in general as long as I get to have my alone time shortly after.

I write this as I try not to overthink the awful work I have to do for the next couple of weeks as well as try to convince myself that after spending literally all day studying, I do know all the material for tomorrow’s exam, and that I do NOT  need to go over them just one last time. I drive myself crazy sometimes, I swear.

Until next time, keep in mind that somehow, it really does get better—there’s no telling how long it’ll take, but it will happen. Take care of yourself in every way, keep your priorities sorted out, take some time to breathe, and keep blogging.